At the age of 15, I was the new kid in school. I knew most of the kids, but was not included in the different friendship groups because I was from another school. My self-confidence was at a low point, I was bullied and pushed aside.
After a few months, I was unable to handle it and saw suicide as my only option. but it was not my time.
At the beginning of term 3, I was included by a group of girls. I knew it wasn’t where I wanted to be, but my need to belong was overwhelming.
Friday nights were movie nights in our small town. Like every other Friday I went to the movies. During interval a group of girls convinced me to join them outside. We stood in a group and chatted. In the group of young men there were some apprentices from town. I knew some of them. They used to make remarks when I passed their flats, on my way to swimming practice. It made me scared and at some stage I was too self-conscious to go and exercise. Two of the young men that make remarks, joined the group. The girls introduced me to them, I wanted to leave but was convinced to stay.
The road home was dark, and I had to cross a rugby field. The two apprentices were waiting for me, I was scared, but they wanted to walk home with me. I was so relieved when I reach home safely.
Saturday was my normal exercise day; I went to the pool and started my exercise. I went to the changing rooms, to change into my dry clothes, the next thing they were both on me. I tried to scream, but they covered my mouth. They took turns raping me. I was broken and blood was running down my legs, they warned me that if I say something, they will show me. I showered and went home, I could hardly walk, and was to scared to say a word, I lied and said I exercised very hard.
For the next month I didn’t go to the movies or exercise, I always had an excuse ready. Unfortunately, I was unable to keep up with the excuses, for the next three years every time I went to the pool, they were ready for me, sometimes I was lucky and could slip away with other children at the pool, regrettably I wasn’t that lucky all the time.
When I finished school, I left town
I never spoke about what happened, I never wanted to get involved in a relationship. I carried this secret in my heart, feeling worthless, dirty and broken.
Years later my brother’s children came and stayed with us. His 4-year-old daughter was sexually molested by her mother’s boyfriend, it tore open my heart and all my old wounds. I decided to fight for her, and get her the help she needed.
That was when I met Celeste from Optimystic Bikers against Abuse. Without me telling her my story, she told me that there was something I was not telling her. She won my trust, and for the first time I shared my story, she was there every step of the way with my brother’s daughters’ case. She also put me on the road to healing and peace. Without her (and her team), I would not have been where I am today.
Today, three years later, we are still walking the road with the little girl’s court case, a case with its own challenges, and sometimes I wonder if it will ever end. Without Celeste (and her team), we would not have been where we are today. I would have not walked the road to healing. The reason I share my story with all of you is, you don’t have to feel shame or blame yourself, it is not your fault, you never asked for it.
I was scared because I was threatened, I was young and naïve, this happened in the 1990’s, when you didn’t hear about these crimes. Never be scared to ask for help. Today, it is too late, but I found peace. God will one day be their judge.
I hope who ever reads this and is also hiding pain will realize that although the pain feels like it will never go away, you are able to forgive yourself and find peace, then healing will start. I still have a long journey on the healing ahead of me, but I know my angel Celeste is by my side.
We are walking a double road, mine to healing, and the one of court support for my brother’s daughter. Without the support we received, my family and I would not make it.
My wish is that out of this, the courts will realise the role victim support groups play in the lives of victims, and involve them more, allow them to be the go-between, give them the recognition they deserve as most victims are unable to get through the processes without victim support groups There are so many factors that plays a role in this.
If there is anyone that is willing to support a charity group, please remember this group. They are always willing to offer time, knowledge and love to victims and their families. They not only help victims of sexual abuse; they also assist gender base violence support to anyone that is in need.
Thank you, Celeste and all the Optimysts, for allowing me to share my story.
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